Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize