I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
