Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
