Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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