I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
