those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
My ATM looks so different sober.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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