I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
