That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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