I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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