my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
