She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
