A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
