Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize
