Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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