I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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