I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
