Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
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