I like my sex mixed with concussions.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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