so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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