Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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