I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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