he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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