Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
and you fell through a lawn chair
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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