It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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