I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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