you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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