How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
