I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
