maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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