I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
