I'm so fucking centered right now
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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