my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
