do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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