I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
