I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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