Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
