Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
