That's intense
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Just invented taco cereal.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
