I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
