I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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