i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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