did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
