apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
