I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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