I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
