she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
