We're facebook friends in real life
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
