shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize