Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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