remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
