I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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