I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
