i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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