I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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