This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
