WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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